Monica and Phoebe distract an attractive guy who then gets hit by a car and ends up in a coma; they both take care of him in the hospital but begin getting very competitive and possessive over him. Chandler's mom (who embarrasses Chandler with her forwardness) is on Jay Leno and then pays Chandler a visit. Paolo returns from Rome. Mrs. Bing takes everyone out to dinner... and ends up kissing Ross. Mrs. Bing gives Rachel advice on writing romance novels. Ross tells Chandler about the kiss and convinces him to confront his mother about his feelings.
Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
Monica: Last night.
Ross: Really. So then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire? Just a dream I had, but phew.
Jay Leno: You know--don't take this wrong--I... I just don't see you as a mom,
somehow. I don't mean that... I don't mean that bad...
Mrs. Bing: Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condom.
Chandler: And then he burst into flames.
Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you: I've read everything you've ever written.
No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Mrs. Bing: Oh please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.
Chandler: My mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and you know why?
Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Joey: Uh... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Monica: What did I ask?
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo and I think I had too much
tequila, and Nora... um, Mrs. Mom... your Bing... was just being nice, ya know,
and... but nothing happened, nothing. Ask Joey. Joey, uh, came in...
Chandler: You knew about this?
Joey: Uh... ya know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
Monica: A Woman Undone by Rachel Karen Green.
Rachel: Yeah, thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick' can be 'liberated from its denim prison'?
Monica: Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.
Phoebe (singing): You don't have to be awake to be my man. As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, there's something I have got to say... [speaking] Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break.
Chandler: What was that?
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a...
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, Mother-Kisser?
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! Or something to that effect.
Joey: He did it! He told her off! And not just about the kiss; about everything.
Ross: You're kidding.
Joey: No, no. He said 'When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?'
Joey: Wait, wait! Then she came back with 'The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?'
Ross: OKay, wait a minute. Are you sure she didn't say, 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?'
Joey: That makes more sense.
Rachel: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh, oh,
and on page two he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: You can usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist
Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!